A
few months back I hung out with my buddies and as usual, one of
them picked me up with his car. There were 2 guys I never met before
at the back seat so I introduced myself and sat with them. We chat
about the usual stuff; work (or the lack of it), Counterstrike,
the Gahmen and all that. But just when I thought tonight was going
to be yet another usual movie night with the blokes, once we reached
the underground carpark at Tampines mall, the guy beside me got
off and I realized that he was this towering monster of a Malay
guy. I asked him how old he is and he said he's 23. He got a box
face with deep brows, his shoulder is broad and he is tall. Now
that's not fair….
Since
I was a kid, I always pictured myself as a strong, filled to the
brim with testosterone kinda man if I ever hit my 20s. A man that
have abs like He-man kinda man. A man that have broad shoulders
for girls to cry on kinda man. A man that works with his hands
and have hair sprouting hair on his chest kinda man.
But it seemed like I have a 30 year old soul trapped in a 18 year
old body. And the worst part is, I think only my face is aging.
A man still stuck with boy attributes… a “Man Boy”
if you will. I do believe if I was to wear any school uniform,
I can pass off as a Secondary school kid. Other students may think
of me as one of those O level repeaters but hey, at least I can
buy cheap mee rebus at the tuckshop.
You
see, I am what it’s called an ectomorph. I have a high
metabolism rate; that means, I can eat 5 hamburgers and not
grow fat. I’ve never been a diet all my life. My heart
beat thumps similar to the rate of a hamster. Just as a lot
of people have problem losing weight, I have a problem gaining
it. From eating more junk food to buying hi-calorie powdered
drinks, I've tried it all. There was this one time I bought
a supplement off the net. Although it taste like feet, I keep
chugging it away but unfortunately, the only thing it gave me
was a bigger set of ass and a saggy belly.
Some
people I met explained my lack of gaining weight phenomenon
by blaming it to my genes. You know how it goes, “You
got it from your family lah. If your Dad is skinny, you also
must be skinny.” Wait, have you seen my Dad? He’s
huge… His arm is like a log and his palm is thick. Thank
God, he’s not the discipline kinda Dad cause a slap from
him can mean certain death.
I
do believe that your profession does play apart in contributing
to your weight class. I mean, my Dad is a hardcore blue collar
worker. He wakes up at the butt crack
of dawn and heads to work dealing with nuts, bolts, spanners and
heavy steel pipes. He always comes home with his uniform soaked
in grease… which only industry strength Clorox bleach can
remove. On the other hand, my job positions have always required
me to be in front of a screen, tapping away on a keyboard and
moving an optical mouse around. And the last time I checked, my
hands are still soft and silky… which is a total disappointment.
The only manual labor I gotta do is trying to rip out pieces of
paper from a jammed printer. So no wonder I skinny lah.
Besides
having a small built, I realize Man boys (and I know there are
tons of you out there) can’t let go doing boy things.
Man Boys are still excited with Gears of War and Tekken, Man men
on the other hand, don’t have time for video games; their
form of entertainment is sipping hot tea tarik while watching
news and the occasional sleazy Indonesian dangdut. Man Boys enjoy
watching the Simpson and would pay good money to see Shrek. Man
men would be caught dead buying a ticket for a G rated movie.
They prefer to shack up in the bedroom with their woman, busy
making babies. Man boys sleep all curled up under a warm blanky
in a fetal position. Man men sleeps naked and snores like a gorilla.
(Fact: Gorillas never snore.) Man Boys likes to watch wrestling
and UFC and contemplate buying a plastic WWE belt from Toys-R-Us.
Man men, takes up Brazilian Jui Jitsu because he knows that how
“civilize” Singapore is, sometimes he have to kick
ass even if it means getting some jail time… You get what
I mean?
Sleazy Indonesian dangdut- Entertainment for Man men.
Kids.. close your eyes...
Another
thing I would love to possess besides biceps the size of watermelons
and shack up in a bedroom making babies is a deeper raspy manly
voice. Just like the guy who does trailers for movies. I bet I
get a lot of things done with a voice like that. My nasi ayam
will be served faster and women will fall in love with me even
before I meet them. But now all I get are insurance agents mistaking
me for a girl when I talk to them on the phone. I always gotta
have a 5-minute conversation trying to convince people about my
gender.
Another downside of being a Man boy is how I can’t demand
respect when I need it most. It’s hard to instruct a bunch
of 3T students when you are talking to their knees. And it’s
impossible to get customers sign on a 5 figure contract when you
look like their teenage son.
Oh
well, maybe I will shed my boyness in time. For now, I am trying
to find a practical way to bulk up. I think I should start going
to the gym or maybe not skip breakfast every morning. Then I can
work on my voice and all that and who knows maybe one day when we
do finally meet, I can show you guys the new manly me. Hahah.. Yeah
righht.
