Happeepill Singapore

Motorbike Licence
02 APR 07

I got my motorbike licence years back. It was quite an exhausting experience for me because I gotta go through a lot of crap just to get that piece of card. I knew that my family could never afford a car back then and since I have this affection for shiny metal with 2 wheels, I thought having a bike one day was the most practical thing to do. So off I went to register at one of the Driving Centers.

Actually, I enrolled at a Driving Center near my home but it turned out to be one huge mistake. The instructors were like hooligans. Some of them had their shirt undone and their method of teaching was ..non-existent - there was no method at all. They spew broken English and shouted like they were training bears for a circus act.

So after 4 or 5 practical lessons, I decided to ditch the place and opt for another Driving Centre. It was much further and travelling there was a pain but it was for the better. After I passed the Riding Theory Test, I started on the practical lessons and that my friends, was where the fun really started.

I can still remember my 1st practical lesson. I was kinda dissappointed with the choice of bikes they had. I was expecting Ducatis but all they had were Yamahas, ice-cream uncles used. We had to buy gloves from the coffeshop that sold for $2 a pair. Again, I thought I could have leather Harley Davidson gloves but these were construction gloves- made of wool and they had this odd woolly smell. Oh well, at least they came in 3 shades of white; Tusk White, Ang Moh White, and Vanilla White. I guess style was not a top priority at this driving center.

You put on this bright neon color tag; it was supposed to be for safety, so other motorists could SEE you on the road. The neon was so bright heck I think even the blind couldn't miss it. This is the part when they get over board; they made you wear knee and elbow pads. I used to skateboard and I didn't even have to wear that. I don't mind dying as long as I die in style. And safety pads are so unstylish.

Ok, you have your woolly white construction gloves on, you have this bright color tag that screams, "LOOK AT ME!" and now you have black pads on. You look like a visual mess and everybody is staring at you.. Even if they didn't want to, they just couldn't help it. Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse than that, you realised that you have to start to choose a helmet.

Yes, the helmet. They seemed to have made a deal with Satan or something because these helmets seemed to come from the depths of hell. A slight whiff is enough for you to confess your sins right there and then. Imagine the helmets embracing every skull that ever came into the driving centre. Sweat beads mixing and different scalp odour colliding. Yup, disgusting is an understatement. The smell was so0o0o bad that after the practical session, the stench would stick to your hair. Your hair WILL smell like cow dung in the MRT and the only way to get rid of it was to immerse yourself in acid. I recommend Sulphuric, but if that doesn't work, I suggest you get Hydrofluoric.. now that can seep right through flesh and bone:) Just go to any Guardian outlet and give the pharmacist this chemical formula:
SiO2(s) + 4HF(aq) > SiF4(g) + 2H2O(l); she'll know what to do.

I found out that newspapers could help ease the stench.. no, not by fanning it, that would just be catastrophic and would result in an immediate failure from your instructor. What you gotta do is flatten some newspapers in the helmet to make a safe barrier from the unholy stench. I tried that technique and it was 80% successful. You could also bring your own helmet but who wants to carry an annoying helmet-basket in the MRT?

Besides the aircon treatment, our local police also used the helmet whiff. Enough to break even the toughest of criminals.

Oh well, the first lesson was to place the bike in it’s side and main stand. I have seen guys struggle when girls could execute this with ease.. yes, this motorbike learning can also be an ego bashing session. The rest of the lesson was basically learning how to deal with the half clutch. I saw this guy almost getting hurt as he crashed his bike onto the tire protected barricade. You gotta learn how to estimate on how to use the throttle cause if not, you'll swear the motorbike with behave like this wild horse like those old western movie.

After you have actually impressed the instructor with half-clutching and going round and round the center’s road course, tinkering with gears and all, you enter to phase 2. This phase was a difficult one for me. I nearly gave up so many times because I just couldn’t get the bike to behave like it should. They called this little obstacle: THE SLOPE. We had to ride up this slope and we gotta stop midway. And after that, we gotta continue where we left off.. but the problem was I kept going backwards.

But it turned out I didn’t apply enough gas. So the trick was to twist the throttle to the max and free the clutch like how you would with a caged bird. You will not only go upward to the slope, you might even execute a perfect wheelie! The wheelie might score you some serious brownie points with the ladies but it's all thumbs down from the instructors.

Once you have cleared Practical 1 and 2, the rest of the stuff was pretty easy. I guess to lengthen the learning process, they decided to come up with bizarre courses. I've hilight some of em below.

The Crank Course
This one was an easy yet weird L shaped course. You go in and you turn right and you go straight and you turn left. Pretty easy. I guess they called it the crank course cause they'll know you'll get cranky if you fail this.

The Pylon Slalom
Another weird sounding name obstacle. Who came up with a name like Pylon Slalom? Just call the damn thing "Michelle" or something.. it doesn't sound odd and it’s a pretty name. Then when you fail the course, you have the enthusiasm to complete it again. “I will pass “Michelle” today!” sounds better than I wanna pass Python Lamelom or whatever it is. What do you have to do to pass this course? You have to snake in and out some cones like a drunk rider. Yup, they want to see how a sober rider ride drunk. And if you tip a cone, that’s an immediate failure right there.

Me ripping through the Pylon Slalom. Also know as Michelle.

The figure of 8… 9 and 10
I know they add this one just for fun. This is for the confused rider who wants to go on one direction and suddenly he decides to change his mind and go the other way. So what do you get? An infinite roundabout. Round and round the figure of 8 you go, when you’ll stop, no one knows.

Getting stuck in the figure of 8 is common

The E Brake
Now this one can cause some serious damage. You ready yourself at this starting line and when the cute instructor gave you the signal with her hanky, you scream like a girl and twist your throttle like the Ghost Rider. You can barely see anthing because you are riding your Yamaha bike like a rocket. Once you reach stop line, you have to shut your throttle and apply your E brake like your life depends on it. Some riders made a cool stylish tyre marks with fire on the tar.. some people crashed and burned. I fell off my bike once, it was raining and the road was wet, I wrecked the bike really bad but hey, after a pat on the head, they gave me a brand new bike with a shiny new bell. Yaaah!

The Infamous Plank
This obstacle course was designed by some sadists with bad intentions. Every rider shun the plank.. a lot of people failed it and those who passed, do not want to go through it again. Basically you have to get your bike on this narrow raised narrow piece of tar. By now, the tester will probably be trying hard not to burst out laughing. Just when you are on the plank, the sadist tester wants you to lower your speed; fast enough for you to inch forward but slow enough for you to tip over. In order to master this, you must try to learn to focus on the "now". Use your yang to counter with your ying and soon you realize that your yong will help you pass with ease.

Yes, did I mention they have metal spikes around the plank?

Yup, even cars have to go through the plank.

Below are some courses that was discontinued after much public complaints.

The Bunny Hop
This course is where it starts to get ridiculous. You are supposed to balance your bike like a unicycle and you are to start hoppin' on your motorbike's rear wheel.. Everybody was like they were on some pogo stick. I guess this is to help you if you are in traffic jams.. you can just start hopping on cars and and that way you'll never get stuck.

The Superman Fly
Some old folks might remember this like it was yesterday; they ceased this course when it was 1984. But before that, riders were made to stand one leg on their seat with their hands outsretch just like Superman. The reason was to test the rider's ability to balance.. RIGHT.. I think someone was high when they thought of this one.

Last but not least, they have this thing called The Takeaway.
It was supposed to be a hands on practice on how a motorbike feel. "Before you ride the motorbike, let the motorbike ride you, that way you will be one with it, that way you will set it free." Whatever that means, that was the reason they used to justify The Pikul and obviously that can't hold any weight for long.

Oh well, to conclude this long winded article, I would like to add that I did pass my Practical test. Even though I got my licence on the 26th try, I must say that it was a breeze. Easy, peasy, Japanesy!

If I can do it, you have a 50-50 chance,
Evil Bunny!

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